The " I " must die...

   I believe it was Jed Mckenna  who wrote that some may achieve "it" during their lifetime where others will at the point of their death. "It" being no-self, the Gate, Enlightenment or what ever you want to call "It", "Jed" called it "Human Adulthood".
   In my case no matter how interested and motivated, It still came the hard way; after that harrowing night, along with being a bit hung over, and sick from such a cold evening (wearing only a t-shirt and shorts) mentally beat down, and having to answer for my foolish night with apologies and regret to my friends and loved ones.(My wife wondering if she should commit me for 72hr. evaluation.) The best answer I could give was, "I had to call myself out on some shit."
   Day two was the day I "popped". Sounds funny, but in fact it was the most profound and humbling experience I've ever had, so much so I didn't believe it at first... Up until that day (in my head) I kept saying to myself over and over "there is no I" "there is no I" again and again, to no avail. Why? it seems so Easy what am "I" missing? 
    I'm sure that it was more difficult for me than others, yet I believe, it took being so beat down "mentally" that left me open for "the self" to fall away. leaving a feeling of profound relief.
   What is Enlightenment? Its reality without all the baggage and judgement and drama involved...(of course that's my opinion ;^) . In turn taking the proverbial "weight" off your shoulders. 
   Which brings me to that point, (That night standing on the ledge of that building...) when everything went "quiet"; my thoughts becoming silent; Even for what seemed forever at that moment. What I've learn since then is that thoughts come in endless strings (whether asleep or awake.) not aware of their certain demise if the body dies. Their only mission is to constantly spin stories or plans with the endings of ones choice without any concern of their host or others....In turn driving one quite mad if going unchecked.
   Having to go through such violent and potentially harmful means for this I say, is well worth the journey, yet I hope not for yours.                  

Who is I???

    During a long summer hosting a "grand kids" reunion, along with being tired, frustrated and unable to cope with the drama coming from the "parental units" involved. Everything I tried to help me cope; Failing, along with self medicating. I again "vented" to my dear friend; Feeling again that my efforts have failed....Saying thing's like, "I Can't take this shit anymore!", "I can't keep up!","I just need some peace", "I don't know why I'm here!","I'm just a glorified house boy!" "I fucking want OUT!!" and "I" this and "I" that...Then "Jeff" said...     "Who's is I?" and I paused to catch my composure...Huh? "who is I?" At first I thought hmmmm....new philosophy? or is he just fuckin' with me... Then he responds "There is no I"....Ok now I'm thinking, yep he's fuckin' with me now...It reminded me of the old comedy routine by Abbott & Costello "Who's on First". (my wife to this day still thinks it when I bring it up...hopefully she'll get it someday;^)...) he then points me in the direction of "Ruthless Truth.com" and says check it out if you dare...
   So check it out...My first impression (as well as my wife's) was Damb! these guy's are rude! Why does this "view" of life need to be so brutal? I read the whole thing and signed up and mulled it over for a while read this blog, and that blog, alot of it went over my head.
   Time go's by and my Ego is telling me "I got shit down" Right?....Wrong. More time go's by...By this time my Inflated Ego comes up with "Oh OK I am God!"... ya whatever...(Then even though I'm on anti-depressants) I'm constantly contemplating suicide, Angry and an emotional roller coaster....one night "I snapped"... slamming down alcohol, smoking this and doing that...I went for "the last walk of my life"...that's what I told myself. I left walking downtown to find a building to throw myself off of...Why? "I" couldn't take it any more... "These people can get along just fine without me!!!."
   I screamed, wept, walking into on-coming traffic!! Ranting to myself on and on, saying if I can't figure out an decent answer to life; That life wasn't worth living anymore...
   I walked up "each step" balling my head off, and saying "Come on fucker your gonna get this or your Fucking Dead!!"...I found a parking garage, walking the stairs, contemplating each step yet unable to find any reason to stop. Upon reaching the top I found my "spot" climbed up, and there I stood looking out, I'm thinking "Why didn't I run into somebody?"... Screaming, tipping forward and looking down... tears streaming down my face, my head pounding seeing my demise beyond my feet... Then nothing...complete quiet...thoughts gone.
    Not knowing exactly (at the time) what had just happened, my first thoughts were "Fuck! You Pussy you couldn't even do that Right!!!" ....Looking back now; I know why...
                
         

In the beginning.....

Pre-liberation.....Of course. 

Just a normal kid...? No, not really; I always had a feeling that i didn't fit in. That something  was off, (from my point of view) when I'd express it, at times; whether it was toward my parents or friends their response was reciprocated wrong or with some sort of negative or moral / religious spin to it, which left me truly suspicious of my thoughts and others.
  But as I grew older; "pieces" (however puzzling) seemed to hit and made me question how society was spinning in circles that seemed "endless".
   As youth passed, my grandparents and parents passing, and my body failing on numerous occasions,(Without the help of modern medicine, I wouldn't be here now.) I have found a certain realization that "life force" is in fact delicate, and have a humbleness now that wasn't there when I was young. Death is guaranteed...I've gone thru depression and bouts of suicide but until my liberation didn't understand what was so necessary about life, going in seemingly endless circles, and growing older and feeling less in control of everything around me and at times becoming fearful even anxious of what is to come.
   Then I met a friend, (Not just any friend.) A Guitar teacher, an artist in any rite. And one day in a conversation about "Self help" it began. How so many think they have it all figured out; and that "psycho" therapy only covers what so called "ailing" you.
   We conversed about whats out there, and something was said about how we "perceive" the world around us; and how things are really just self induced "illusion"; it sort of hit me weird; but later I started playing with the idea and a week or so later; I was thinking about, (of all things!) the President and all of the bullshit he has to put up with, and then "It" hit! (looking back it seemed like...."this may sound funny... like that fucking egg on the cover of the "Alien" movie".) a crack with the light behind it. It hit me; that's when the Awareness started "Big time". then all the pieces from the past started coming back and I started challenging EVERYTHING!!....
   Then I Read Ekehart Tolle , Ganga Gi, Jed Mckenna, whatever seemed to catch and keep my attention... they would touch on a lot of things and puzzle pieces from my past but they were that "feel good" temporary shit that would pass, but not be worthy of a day to day dose of realty that inevitably smacks you down to earth and say's "Bitch your wrong!"
    Just needed to go there one last time; It was pretty profound at the time, but nothing to what was about to come...           
         

The purpose of this Blog....

     Like a mission statement but with a somewhat selfish spin to it...Since I've been through liberation; My mind has reeled at times spinning some things that I've found interesting, but when it does over and over, It becomes quite an unnecessary distraction from moving further toward other things in life. Not they are any less important to me but I feel if I purge them then I can move on toward experiencing other topics to explore on my journey and of course share them will everyone that may have similar views in their lives.
       Opinions are welcomed of course, different angles are always appreciated....:^)
 

About the publisher of this blog...

So many thoughts....So Little time....

I'm not a scholar, or a writer, or one with a degree by jumping through hoops to do something for a living that will show everyone that I achieved expertise in a career in life.
My family life wasn't bad; no abuse or neglect, my parents had their ups and downs and Addictive tendencies and bouts with depression, yet that didn't make them bad, just human.  
    I went through school; kept my head my head down and didn't stand out... not really shy but didn't fit in really. I had some friends but later found it was mainly just for "partying purposes". Finished school,(with below average grades) started a family (early) kept my head down and worked hard to keep my "head" above water (looking back to no avail.) To cut this short...I lost my health, lost my family and I lost my job (Boo Hoo Hoo Right?) So what, life goes on....Though it was so dramatic then.
    Eventually I met my second wife, she brought sanity to a pretty insane and chaotic life that I was living...I've come full circle in my life from a middle class childhood, to poor then wealthy, to poor again...Money cures nor helps, when it comes to peace of mind or when ones  health is an issue; Having many operations and to this day living with Chrones disease doesn't identify "who I am",(there is No I) just something that has to be kept in check until the body gives out In the End...